Lolly Sparky Shady

Head Lines

2008-03-28T18:02:00.001-07:00

Busy Body
Making Headlines

A tribute to the new look of Aamir Khan in his forthcoming untitled movie.

30 days and 30 nights

2008-02-03T03:58:00.000-08:00

A month later.... How do I feel? Inspired.

And slowly getting addicted too. Its fascinating to see your body react the way it does when you put him to test. I finished 15 sessions of my training last Saturday. We also did an assessment to gauge my progress. The results were inspiring if anything. I have gained some muscle mass and in the process also lost some body fat and weight. My trainer didn't quite appreciate the weight loss bit and might fine tune my diet to ensure there is more protein intake. But he did acknowledge that my metabolic rate is good which meant the second phase would have to be re-looked.

I like the whole discipline of waking up early and working out in the morning before work. I'm more a morning person and do enjoy pumping some iron before work. Of all the work outs, I enjoy the bench press for chest. It get your adrenaline rushing and sure makes your feel the burn.
Like most others I don't really look forward to the leg exercises. It sure does kills! In fact my last session got my head ringing and we did have to cut short. Perhaps an indication of the intensity for the next 15 and preparation for the same.

The work outs have also complemented the intensity at work. I don't think I have been this focussed in a while this early in the year. My job goals for 2008 have been laid out, there's a road map in place. Its now up to me to progress it at the right pace and this time I am very eager to go the extra mile.

I have one more session before heading to KL with my babie for chinese new year break.
I think the break will do me good to reflect the month that has been and the month ahead.

Here's wishing all a happy chinese new year! Gong Xi Fa Cai!

Session II- IV : Honeymoon week

2008-01-12T18:30:00.000-08:00

Its been a week now of training. Also a week since I got back to work after my seemingly long 3 week break.I'm glad I started my first session a few days before I got back to work.The soreness after the first session being indicative of that. Its been an interesting first week of training.

While one fact was clear - my body ain't strong. the fact thats getting slowly but gradually clearer is that is just could be a matter of time. Like a new video game perhaps. You have to get to the level III to know what level I was actually all about.The week involved working on my chest, shoulders, back, arms and legs on separate sessions.Which one do I enjoy the most? I actually like the chest. Maybe because my arms are not strong enough to feel the burn yet. The week was all about getting the form right. So understandably the weights were lighter. I am getting now used to the breathing pattern. Its great to see how a slight adjustment to a posture can actually get another muscle to start working.

I think the most important piece of advice I got from my trainer is about adrenaline rush
'Its all in the mind'. I have to reach that mind state whereby lifting heavier weights will actually get my adrenaline going. Maybe I'll begin by faking it. I tend to not look at the weights every time he increases it. Maybe because I am a bit apprehensive that I might get intimidated by it. Or maybe I might just end up forcing my body to react rather than the other way around.
The first half is about gaining muscle mass. So it does not involve cardio exercises. I do warm up on the treadmill and cross trainer. I also need to keep my tennis and swimming going.

And last but not the least, my diet. I start off the day with egg whites and protein shake. I am actually enjoying eating a heavy breakfast in the morning. I usually get myself a glass of fresh fruit juice on my way to office. Lunch is a bit challenging - you know I don't want to end up eating the same thing from the same stall every single day. Reminds me of that movie 'Stranger than fiction' :). So juggling between sandwiches, salads and soba at the moment.
Also will meet my babie girl for lunch once a week now that dinner is almost fixed.

Works going to get busy soon and likewise my training.

The honeymoon period is coming to an end .

Session 1 - Gravity

2008-01-02T00:47:00.000-08:00

Started off my morning at 9 am with a soft boiled egg. I actually had to look up the net for the recipe!Anyways it turned out to be fine. Followed it up with a banana and 1/2 cup Gatorade.
I am so accustomed to a cup of filter coffee with full cream. But this morning I had to wake up and only smell my coffee.

Arrived at the gym at 10:30am. Started off with the fitness assessments. It seems my right leg is far more dominant in size than my left leg. Weight was as expected 65 Kgs. Was told my body fat is not bad and the idea is for me to now build muscle around it before shedding the flab. The words 'muscle' and 'fats' were all I registered in my mind then.

After the customary 10 min warm up on thread mill, I began my resistance sessions. The idea for the PT was to understand where my strengths and weaknesses lie in weights training. I was a little flattered by the phrase 'strengths'... because as far as I remember I don't think I have any.

And it showed as we tried lifting a few weights. And then he popped the magic question - 'How many push-ups can u do?' And I had a look on my face that probably gave him the impression I could not make up my mind on the final count... And then I confessed the thinkable and showed him my interpretations of push-ups. He smiled and said - 2 sets of 20 before and after you sleep. It felt like popping pills when you were young and got sick.

A few shoulder presses and pull ups and the whistles. And then the part I was desperately waiting to discuss - my diet. Well I used to big diet guy whenever I had to lose weight. I used to cut my intake of a few sinful indulgences, eat a lot of fruit, etc and the results would show. I mean I can both gain and lose weight easily. He recommended the whey protein shake and the fact that he has been having it for 10 years as a supplement and meal replacement. He asked me what flavor I liked and instantaneously I responded 'Chocolate'. As expected that was indeed the most popular flavor. He even went on to exclaim that it tasted like Milo. And I went 'sure, sure'. I had tried it before when I used to gym but never tried it with low fat peanut butter.
It gave it an extra zing to it like having your omelette's with ketchup.
So a box of protein powder and I went shopping! fortunately the cold storage is right around the corner. I passed one of favorite japanese eating joints -Miharu Ramen and Laurent Chocolate Bar. I had this whole Arnie look on my face when I told myself ' I'll be back.

The shopping list was fixed and I picked up skimmed milk, oat meal, peanut butter, wild honey, strawberries, oranges and Broccoli. I am not sure what I am going to ask Dad to do with the last item.

I decided to take the bus even though I was carrying all these bags. And my play list has this great song 'Gravity' by John Mayer. The lines 'trying to take me down' and 'twice as much is not twice as good' seemed to suddenly make more sense.

And took a nice afternoon nap.

My arms are bit sore - I actually felt the slight soreness as I tried to let Silver out of his cage.
Was contemplating going for a swim in evening but decided against. I will save that for tomorrow, weather permitting.
Oh yes, I need to pick up 'whole grain bread'. I googled it like everything else in life and a swiss bakery in Holland village might have it.

My next session is on Friday 9 am. I am looking forward to it like a child looking forward to his first day at new school.

Looking back while Looking ahead

2007-12-31T19:54:00.000-08:00

2007 has been quite a journey for me in all facets of my life - love, friendship, career, family.
I think the key change I have seen in myself is focus and willingness to be patient and relax.
Relaxation complements focus so well. It makes you feel you are on top of things even if there is a cloud of uncertainty.
I have always maintained a love-hate relationship with Love. I was fortunate to have a companion with so much energy and freshness. We traveled a lot together and in a true sense made the year a journey to remember. After a long time, I feel I am in a comfort zone where I can express my feelings with a pace and tone thats best suited to who I am and what I believe in.
It also happened to be the year when I had to let go of someone I dearly valued. It was a tough decision but I had no regrets and will always treasure the memories that will linger with me.

I have always had a differing view of my career and what I can bring to my job and what the job can bring to me. I feel there is a sense of peace, consistency and achievement and most importantly the desire to progress, in the right direction.

The 'Shake & Bake' crew have been a delight. I made new friends and to top it all great friends.
The excitement and exuberance have been simply inspiring! And that is a true reflection of how it has narrowed the gap is between who I am and who I would like to be.

Home Life - I have learned to respect and value the time one gets to spend with a family.
There have been moments I have felt I need to get away but I have gradually learned that you do not need to be away to reach out for something or someone. I need the blessings as always.

I am looking at 2008 as a year where I would like to invest my time and finances wisely.
I am starting the year with an investment into my fitness. Its very reminiscent of what I did 6 years back when I went to on lose 27Kgs in 6 months. The numbers might have changed now but I am banking on the sheer devotion and determination I showed then. I feel it will provide me the discipline I will need to inculcate as I pursue bigger things in life. I will keep a journal of my fitness sessions here to reflect and receive all the inputs and knowledge I can get from all around.

Here is wishing you all a happy and prosperous new year!

Open Waters

2007-08-14T07:40:00.001-07:00

Night | Passing

2007-06-30T22:21:00.001-07:00

A night to remember, a night to forget
A night to surrender, A night to reflect

yet a night held no meaning,
no ending, no beginning

but a night was there for a reason
and so was I her chosen

companion and mate

to welcome a morning I would choose to remember
a morning I would want to reflect
a morning with perhaps so much meaning, marking an end and a new beginning

sparking a moment so defining

yet I let go of a night
like any other that went passing.....

A Look

2007-06-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you have to try hard not to look
so good
on either side of the camera.
sometimes.

(To my sis, looking stunning as ever.)

The Last Kiss

2007-06-10T05:38:00.000-07:00

watching you sip that cup of chai
my heart was whispering something to me
I just didn't care to listen

even as the clouds above were cracking up
and the wind got chillier
I just didn't care it would rain

I reached out to you
to bid you goodnight
I just didn't care about the day to follow

watching you slip into that cab
I didn't care if I was alone on that street

all I care is the last kiss
that might have been.

The Hills have eyes.....

2007-06-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

Every Cloud has a 'Silver' Lining

2007-05-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

Some mornings I wake up
and ask myself
why I am here
trying to make up
letting the day go by
pretending to fake up
all the things that make me happy
and content with life
I take up
a pill to kill another insignificant pain
in my head
but then I see you
and everything somehow seems to fall into place
my shoulders drooping no more underneath my face
my feet dancing to a different sound
struggling no more to keep them above the ground

I know things didn't work out the way I planned
and promised to you when I carried you in my arms the very first moment
as a gift of love for another loved one
little did we know
you will create the invisible bond
people sometimes call hope

with you now by my side

This morning ain't going anywhere
and so am I

I love you Papooooooooo

Lolly

A Tale

2007-05-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

the night was auspicious it seems
the beach water still and so were the nearby trees
whispering a meeting of its kind
of a rooftop cat and wandering rabbit
the match seemed a misfit
the cat relentless and passionate
the rabbit composed and sedate
but fate had a different tale
the purring of the cat had won over the pale
they went places as the world gasped
in joy of a union so special
the cats united, the rabbits delighted
of nights filled with cat kisses
and days with other remisses
the cat changed for the good
and withstood
all storms and rapids
in the name of love
they made love
under one moon
but fate had a different tale
the constant purring had made the rabbit frail
the match seemed a misfit
the cat composed and innate
the rabbit restless and irate
changed their paths they did as the world gasped
in cloy of a disunion and farewell
the night is auspicious it seems
the beach water still and so are the nearby trees
where voices whisper of a tale
of a rooftop cat
and his hidden paws
counting his flaws
alone in his sleep

Hare Krishna

2007-03-31T04:08:00.000-07:00

Praise the Lord

who created Women

and placed me

right there

in between them

Rum and Raisin'

2007-03-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

When the going gets tough, the tough eat ice cream

or so it seems

you can watch me lick

every drop of this rum and raisin

and after that

I shall get back to what I do best

Chasing

you

Funny Valentine

2007-02-13T04:30:00.000-08:00

You came into my life

and...

Life came into me

and

smile became the second best thing I could do with my lips

Rain or shine

I will always be your funny valentine

Happy Valentine's Day Rabby

Love, Catty

Young

2007-02-05T04:15:00.000-08:00

I know I don't want to grow up

and chewed enough on life to throw up

hoping lady luck will show up

as I am this close to blow up

a life I chose to live and not own up

now here I am as captain jack sparrow in a pirate dress

all sweaty, eager and restless

trying all over again, leaving the mess behind

to sail this ship of mine

only this time

I will not try

try hard

to stay young forever

Flowers

2006-12-29T01:06:00.000-08:00

Pretty Flowers in the flower shop

wait for me to pick them up
Rush I do as they blossom

wait for me to cheer them up
I pick them up with all my luck

whispering a word or two
the year has been kind to me

the year has been a find for me
If I can sum up the year in a verse or two

is me standing in a flowershop with these flowers so new
little I knew they would teach me so much

little they knew I would reach out so much
those pretty flowers carry my promise and more
and all those doubts of who they belong to
will carry over as a pursuit
of love and happiness
to give more and less borrow
in the year
to follow

Green Crush

2006-12-26T08:06:00.000-08:00

all this year we travelled different paths
different journeys
chased different dreams
gave and broke different hearts
drank different wine
and danced to different tunes
in different lands

little did we know it would end here
or should i say
begin from here on

a new journey
a new dream
a new you
and a new me

Heart Break Kid

2006-10-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

to 25 years of heart breaks and heart breaking.......
here I am still clue less
then again
shying away from hints
I just managed to make it this far
so go ahead and click that picture
stranger

Game Set Match Agassi

2006-09-04T05:54:00.000-07:00

To the man
who brought style, class, power and grace
and numbers to the tennis court

the man who showed
that tennis is more than just a sport

its a passion
a statement

Agassi - thanks for the memories!

Don

2006-08-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

The night is younger
desires old
down in a hole
this soul aint going under
the wait is over!

arre deewano; mujhe pehchano
main hoon DON.

The countdown begins.

She Loves me, She loves me not

2006-08-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

"I kissed thee ere I killed thee. No way but this,
Killing myself, to die upon a kiss."

The final act of Othello killing himself.

Othello - a haunting tale of jealousy and suspicion

Jealousy - Always believed that a man's most powerful trait is
his jealousy. Cos unlike women he invests this trait on the most dearest of things
and needs. Jealousy can lead a man to question his human instincts
I remember that moment standing next to my dear friend
jealous of his brown eyed jewel.O what would I not do to myself
to be him, No wait, what would I not do to him to be with her

Suspicion - A man's weakest trait. Unlike women, a man bottles
his suspicions, it mutates into a green eyed monster
that eventually consumes him. Little does he realize his suspicions
are intrinsic of his own capabilities and confidence and beliefs
There is a strange equation of suspicion and possessiveness
Like water the equation needs to be balanced, if not it can detonate
Oh I shook his hands. Such soft hands he had.
Alas, if those hands touched you, I would break them
Alas, if those hands touched you, I would break you, break us

Jealous I can be, its not your fault
Suspicious I am, its all your fault

make me understand

And I shall wait forever
to love you forever

My own tribute to Othello

The Mini truck

2006-07-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

I watch, watch this mini truck zoom by with strangers in it.I had not planned this moment, to be part of this journey from A to B, both locations don't matter. But just this journey from A to B even if a few minutes, even if uneventful seems to matter.Yes I had not planned for this moment. But little did I know what this moment had planned for me

A reminder that my life had taken off much faster than this mini truck.It was time to slow down. It was time to trace back my journey. I have been in quest of a treasure I did not value as much as I thought. The bright hot sun staring down me reminding me of how human I am. How sensitive my skin is.

This mini truck with strangers in it. Reminding me how much of a stranger I had become myself.This mini truck comes to a halt suddenly. Destination reached.

Not mine.

My journey has just begun.

The River and I

2006-06-18T05:11:00.000-07:00

the calling of the river
its waters seeping into my skin
flashing years of resistance
for a reason unknown
unexplained
I see land
oh so ordinary
so typical
what about the magical trees
and wild fruits
and the season of sensuality
this land is no different to mine

the journey has been so long
so tiresome
all this seems futile
my heart begins to sulk

when a dainty figure
not too far away smiles at me
and whispers

Don't cry my child
you had guarded this gift of god
with all your might and flight
the time had come for you
to cross the river
as this life of yours beckons

I turn back and look at the river
that kept me afloat

I thank the river as I have crossed
her waters

As I bid her goodbye, I hope we shall meet
one day another lifetime
This time

I promise to cherish every moment
of a journey.

the journey of life

my life.

Hangover

2006-04-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

A hangover - a feeling of uneasiness and imbalance after a previous night's exposure to sudden and accelerated dose of intake of intoxicant. A letdown as after a period of excitement
maybe not.
maybe hangover is the body's way to reach balance. a state of equilibrium. the mind's way of resetting itself. the heart's way to tune itself.
My first hangover found me lying down in no man's land and I had a session of questions and answers floating in my mind that made me lose time, disregard time,the past, the present and the future.Its like I was asking myself the right questions, I seemed to have the answers to every question. Even as Alcohol was taking control over my body, my body, the very body that welcomed it carelessly, was now fighting a battle, was rejuvenating. a point of time when you feel and know the body needs you. The body respects you. you have the closest connection to your body at times of distress and uneasiness as the pain is intrinsic to only you and your body.Life is a full of such moments of excitements and letdowns. Its these letdowns define how exciting a previous moment was, how comfortable you are with your body, how much you trust it and how much the body trusts you. Its a human way of spitting out the undesirable and retaining the only thing that matters.I am looking forward to my next hangover cos I know my body will be ready for it, I will be ready for it.
I am not the best in business to hold one's alcohol.But I know I am in business and so is my life when I am hit by a hangover.

Baby Boy

2006-04-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

this world is so funny
I can almost laugh with my one eye almost closed
and the other eye winking at You
yes, You who has been following me and my dreams
come over, chat me up
I promise you will love me
I don't bite, yes I do break hearts
then again the heart grows fonder
when it is breakable
when it is unpredictable
like this world
like you
like me

Infinity

2006-04-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

its half past 3 in the morning
an we are here together
on this very bed
holding on to each other
The touch of your skin
makes me forget where we are
and tomorrow we are not together

this night is so deceiving us
you have a flight to catch
I have so many things to do tomorrow
here we are locked in time
my hands seem to know what to follow
The taste of your lips
fills my heart we thought was hollow

the sight of your pretty you beside me
makes this night feel much longer
my heart was longing for this
I could feel you from start all over again
I've got something started
I just might not how to stop this

its half past seven I wake up to the morning
you are still asleep
on this very bed
as I put on my clothes to leave
I take another look at your sheet
this night had skipped a dream
answering a question or two in return

sometime, somewhere in between now
and infinity we shall meet

The Invisible hands

2006-04-09T02:46:00.000-07:00

Sailor Boy

You have sailed too far, too long

sail back my friend my brother

your little one waits for you here

lost, confused and consumed

this shoulder needs your right arm

to be placed over them

and your left arm to show him the way

This little one has gone to far , gone too long

show him back his home

these invisible hands of yours

need some rest.

Sucker

2006-04-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

We always look for answers
Answers to questions we know of
Questions we think we know of
Why do we look for answers?
What if Life is perfect without answers
I look back at my life, different frames, different ages
The most testing times are when I start looking for answers
Answers to the Lines. The Lines I draw, The Lines I cross
Those are the times, when I deviate from the norm
I do something not expected of me. It shocks me
questions my morals, my integrity, my values
And I start looking for answers.
What if there is nothing really wrong with me, with us
Yes, I do not use my hands like most guys
What if we are changing every day every hour
Whether our conception of a perfect body
the perfect food, the perfect hair style
the perfect clothes, the perfect son
the perfect friend, the perfect lover
the perfect employee, the perfect student

The perfect student of life is not who looks for answers
but the one who asks the right questions at the right time
not because he knows of them
not because he understands them

just because he doesn't care of the answers

Its 2 am.I am hungry. I will not look for an answer. I will suck my bowl of cold moist cereals.
I am and always was a born sucker.

Waters

2006-04-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

This might not be Love
Its feels so good
This might be just a feeling that feels so good

Always fearful of those waters
that can wash away all my wounds

This might not be love
Its just a phase in my life
I cannot comprehend
or react to

I cannot swim in these waters
And what If I might not have to

What if these waters
are carrying me
to my love

This might not be love
But If it is
I am willing to stay afloat
without a struggle

If I drown,so I shall
with no fear nor doubt
with hope to rise again

even if another life time

This might not be Love
But if it is
I am willing to pretend.

icchā - want

2006-04-01T23:47:00.000-08:00

I want you woman
like never before
this very moment
I want you
But I want you to want me too
makes me wonder
If then I would want you more
or want you less
what is that you want me to do?
to want you more.
to want me more.
just tell me what you want
and I'll want you
like I've never wanted
a woman I wanted
ever before
And yes, maybe then you'll want me too
to want you.

icchā - desire

2006-04-01T21:38:00.000-08:00

tujhse maanga dil,tera dil de de
{ I asked thou for your heart, give me your heart }

ishq se maanga tujhko, mujhe ishq de de
{ I asked Love for you, give me your love}

rab se maanga ishq, apna rab de de
{ I asked Him for Love, give me your faith}

zindagi se maanga wo pal, ek aur zindagi de de
{I asked Life for that moment, give me another lifetime}

kya na maanga tu ne mujshe
{What is that you didn't ask me?}

ab mera dil de de
{Now give me back my heart}

vênari - A Call to Hunt

2006-03-25T22:56:00.000-08:00

*****
bloody me, the blood has flowed one way
leaving no scars, just empty spaces
Have lost time in every memory
every frame leading to another prophecy
the color of my hair sang in praise
of one season too long,too wrong
and the color will splash like a fresh wound
the pipes will pop gushing air and a chill
down the spine making everything around it hollow
and smish-smash of desires and random thoughts
will smoke the air you breathe to suffocate
and pinch the light that glowed
and I could have fuЖed you helplessly
with no sense and taste,but you weren't worth the fuЖ
and you went on to fuЖ a nice guy in me
bloody me, the blood has just run out of red
and I bow down to the Red Sun
above.
*****

We are all born as hunters. We hunt for survival. survival of our dreams. survival of our desires.
survival of love. survival of the loved ones.
But little do we do justice to the hunt as hunters.
Putting the bait for the fish, and letting the fish back into the waters
doesn't make us a hunter, does it?
A hunter hunts for a reason. Only one reason. The reason can be known, can be unknown.
But the knowledge is not of the hunter, its art or its consequences.
But knowledge of the hunt.
I was a hunter. I hunted out my career and now I am figuring out what to do with it
I hunted out love and now I am wondering what I did to it.
I hunted out my body and now I am findings ways of using it
I hunted out my mind and now I am findings ways of losing it
Yes I was a hunter. But I hunted the wrong ones.

Now I am ready to go out again
not as a hunter
to hunt
but as the hunted
after all, the real hunt is
when one hunter hunts another.

Duhka - Pain

2006-03-14T04:16:00.000-08:00

Pain :Suffering or distress.

Or is it so?

It makes me wonder what pain really is.
When was the last time I was in pain? What did pain do to me? What did I do back in return?

Was it when I was in hospital suffering from a relapse of typhoid when everything I consumed, consumed me in return. When I missed an exam that cost me a school rank. Was that pain?

Was it the loss of my best friend - Ringo my dog. The only fella in my life who would welcome me with same excitement no matter how shitty my day or his day had been. That I can have him by my side today as a refuge from this world where people complicate each other. Was that pain?

Was it when I had to take a flight back to Singapore from Bangalore and leave my loved one when I imploded with tears and did all I could to hide it and my lips read a false promise that I would come back one day and all would be fine. Was that pain?

Or lying next to a stranger helpless, breathless , topless with numb desires and diluted thoughts
unable to decipher the whole situation and what it demands of you, questioning morals
beliefs and promises, and lying another day alone on a bed by myself wanting a touch I refused. Was that pain?

We all tend to look at pain for its negativity. May be pain is more than all this. Maybe its at point of pain when we overwhelm who we are and why we are. Maybe we question life, its very reason and its this reasoning that brings out the inner soul in us to face it all and live to forget it all one day.

Maybe pain is a reflection of love, the feeling to be in love and probably never again with same intensity and purpose. Maybe pain is a reminder to humanity how ordinary we are and how extraordinary this life given to us is. Maybe pain is the only fight against time when time stands still frozen in surrender. Maybe pain is a sign of sacrifice to oneself, to one's emotions, to one's feelings. maybe pain is a love song the heart sings to the mind one rare moment in our life.

maybe pain is the best thing that can happen to us.

I am currently in a state of fuzziness, a state of confusion
where I am craving with my arms wide open for this one being to
hug me and say all is not right but I am

maybe this is pain
maybe this is me
what pain sees

Spandhan - Pulse

2006-03-10T20:28:00.000-08:00

ishq humko phir se kyon ho raha hai
(Why do I fall in love again?)

socha ta hum ne
kya hai yeh zindagi
jo ji liya hai

(What is this life? I though I had lived it all)

phir se is dil main
kuch chaaya hai

(There is a spark in my heart again)

dil karta hai
kuch aisa kar paye
jisse ye zindagi
ek pal ke liye to sahi
zinda reh jaaye

(My heart fonds for something to be done to revive this life of mine, even if for a moment)

jaane kab se ye dil dhadak raha hai
(My heart has been beating for so long)
socha ta hum ne
kya yeh dil
jo ko diya hai
(What is this heart?I had lost once before)

phir se mera mann
khwaabon se bara hai
(My mind is filled with a desire again)

dil se kuch keh raha hai
ishq hum ko bhi phir se ho raha hai
socha ta hum ne bhi
(as he speaks to my heart of falling in love)

kya hai yeh pal
jo bheet chukha hai

(What is this moment? I thought was gone long ago)

My first attempt.

Cupcake

2006-03-09T02:48:00.000-08:00

I can still remember
sometime in November
when we first met
you were standing there
holding on to my cupcake
you were lazy about it, you would make me wait around
I was so crazy about you that I wouldn't mind

I was afraid that I was running of out of time
to say and do all I wanted with you

Now here we are chained in time
and ready to take on this world
in different paths and ways

I wish you good luck,
and good memories
as you ride away

one day you might ride back
and I might practise those lines again

till then here's one for you
my cupcake

Many Happy returns of the Day !

Fool

2006-03-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

love to fool around
all the time
with you by my side

got no car to drive,
got a heart to drive you crazy
got to take you away
in a big ship one day

I'm just a fool for you baby
I can't wait no longer

Can always be a fool for you baby
Maybe I've waited too long

I'm just a fool for you baby

one day I might
run out of games and pranks
and lines for you

one way I might
find a way to say I love you

one May I shall
make my own
paper rose for you

I'm just a fool for you baby
I've think we come too far

Can always be a fool for you baby
Maybe I'll just rewind

I'm just a fool for you baby

day after day
I'll figure out a new way
to your heart

way after way
I'll keep trying
to take it to the start

what if you break my heart
and leave with another guy
would you just say
you ran out of love
or the other way

But I'll still be a fool for you baby
maybe I am just too crazy
maybe my heart needs a break

I'm just a fool for you baby
maybe you'll be miss me one day

Can always be a fool for you baby

O where have all the barbie dolls gone?

2006-03-04T23:54:00.000-08:00

The color of her lipstick
mysterious and inviting
she knows the second best thing
she can do with them is to smile
as she walks by a delicate darling,a mind strong, a heart fragile

and I wonder

O where have all the barbie dolls gone?

The color of her tied hair
waiting to glow,waiting to show
the radiance of an autumn season
she knows she should let them free
as she walks by, teasing me with an unforgettable spree

and I wonder

O where have all the barbie dolls gone?

The color of her skin
so smooth, so layered
like an unexpected, unnoticed night's moonlight
she knows she should uncover them with no fears, no fences
as she walks by, the smell of her skin intoxicating my senses

and I wonder

O where have all the barbie dolls gone?

The color of her eyes
the sorrows within, the promises without
like the ocean waters, reaching out for the shores
she knows she should let them see how beautiful this world can be
as she walks by, a single wink drawing all of my attention,left to see

and I wonder

O where have all the barbie dolls gone?

The color of her heart
so pink to the perfect degree
like a rose petal plucked away from her thorns
she knows she should let them beat at her own pace, joyfully
as she walks by, my hearts skips a beat or two as no longer he belongs to me

and I wonder...

Paap (Sin)

2006-03-01T06:23:00.000-08:00

not the greed of one's needs
not the lust of one's untold desires
not the envy of other's sacred belongings
not the vanity of the ones who never did succeed
not the fury of man against man
not the gluttony of the swollen minds
not the sloth of those who preach in the name of love

no, no sin must be above
the crimes of the body
cruelty of the mind
frailty of the heart
betrayal of the loved
mistrial of mankind
but
the sin
to condemn the innocent blood
by power of denial
of truth
its origins
its very existence
for the irony behind it
is in this world we live in
where the sinners are fewer than the ones
who think they sin every day
and the ones who have been sinned
every other.

Cos' If I have sinned,so have you.

thoughts from my second viewing of the Passion of Christ

Distant Whispers

2006-02-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

the music haunts me......

sometimes it does not matter
who that person is
you meet or come across
who that person is
who will change your life,the meaning of life
and justify your very existence
make you live 3 lifetimes in a life
what matters is when it happens and how it happens
and when it does,everything and everyone around you
don't matter
life now has a purpose
only one purpose
and the music of nature
the birds
the lakes
the breeze
strolling through your hair
lingers in your head
whispers in your heart
forever
and you can spend the rest of your days
the days that matter
go by carelessly
rest of your life,
the life that matters
go by shamelessly
in her music

yes, the music haunts me

listening to "Brokeback Mountain Score by Gustavo Santaolalla"

A Love story

2006-02-22T12:59:00.000-08:00

"You and me make a perfect love story.."

Funny,how I smile everytime I look at that photo frame.
Cos I see my face,a face that tells me a love story,a story more divine than me, a story more innocent than me and makes me wonder if it was the Love or the story that ended first.

I am always bad with names, I tend to forget names. But not faces.Cos every face tells a story, every face reminds you of something, something that happened to you, something that happened of you.

And just a few hours ago, I saw a face in a movie, a face that reminded me of you and I was helped by a gentle reminder from my dear friend Iyer sitting next to me.
That moment in the cinema hall, there was a flash,a flash back not on my face but to the past,
to my story, and like a time machine,I was taken back to a world where everything in this world that mattered to me was just that one face
the one face that brought a smile to mine, that ended with a tear or two.
and this time machine also had a timer as the journey lasted 10 seconds or so, and I was told a story
my story,
my love story
When I was brought back to the real world, I thought to myself
People get over their past, people get over people
But not faces. Cos faces not just tell you a story
not just any story, but those that remind you of you and her
and most important of all, remind you who you were and who you are
The love story I broke back into, those 10 seconds was magical
And it made me cherish a great love story, my own love story
while I was watching another
called Brokeback Mountain.

Night Dancers

2006-02-21T04:51:00.000-08:00

she said
"right, what about dancing lolly,
just you and me tonight
the music feels so right,
I could just dance all night"

so she held my hands and took me to a dance floor
shook her bon bon while I watched her contour
the dance started off sacred,that instance
with each us of keeping some distance
till I broke the ice
grabbed her by the waist
and the music felt so nice

she said "ask me a question, ask me just one tonight"
I asked her, "how are you feeling baby, are you feeling alright?"

and I moved and grooved and shook and took everybody by surprise

I looked into her eyes
she looked into mine
I said "I am everything but ordinary baby
and you are anything but ordinary maybe"

and I danced her to her bedroom,
she slipped out of her wardrobe
she slipped into a bath robe
she said "right, what about dancing lolly
just you and me again
another night?"

I asked her "what about tonight? :)

Pup

2006-02-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

{lolly sez}

hey babieeeeee
it feels so good outside ,
that maybeeeeee
I'll unblock my mind,
so lets go crazieeeee

put some gas into that car for a spin
you and me will play a dirty game, and we'll sin
take it easieeeeee
undress yourself and kiss me
I shall watch you like a boy,
bet you'll miiiissssss me

{baby sez}

hey lolly,
put yours hands inside and just feeeeeel me
the love's oozing out, go ahead
peeeeel me
I took a bite of the sinful apple for you,
so don't leeeeeave me
I'm your bitch for tonight,
so giiiiive me
all your fluids and your needs and greeds are mine
so get inside and do me a number,don't draw me a line
funny how your first two words turn into sex
hope those pockets of yours are loaded with durex

{lolly sez}

erm baby,I cant change my vowels for you
so I am sorry, we cant go beyond this, I don't but u do
want it all from me,
I'm a pup,not a dog,
so slide your hands out and piss off,
maybe you are just doing it all wrong
i am the leader of my band,the one who wrote this song
but I like your bling bling,and I'll keep it
for my flight
so good bye and good night.
sleeep well and sleep tight

{chorus}

right....

24 Candle$

2006-02-14T05:10:00.000-08:00

first sight,uptight,first of its kind
probably caught sleeping next to a woman,nevermind

six in a fix,day time lover
candies tasting sweeter and grapes sour

thirteen getting bolder and lean, felta day older I mean
in cola and tv , pizzas and dairy, a walking talking soldier

sixteen ,felt there was nothing left to be seen.
too much skin to cover, letting no one in or out

eighteen,I was waiting full of praise and anger
coffee never black, eggs never white

twenty I had plenty, of love, heart and soul
lips in locomotion, carrying a magic potion

and then
the potion that held me was snatched away,
shattering me to pieces I couldn't count
spent a whole year or so trying to count them,
losing count of them at the very end of it all

life changed directions, directions changed life
I ran too far, ran too fast
nowhere

so here I am, a deliberate terrible mistake
left here right now

with 24 candles to blow
and maybe more...

24 Candle$ - coming soon...to a blog near you

2006-01-30T20:11:00.000-08:00

Zakhm(Wound)

2006-01-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

eyes, these eyes of mine
are like an ocean
with these wounds
reminding me of you
from the rains pouring down
from nowhere
my heart drowning in its waters
breathless, hopeless, directionless
like love falling, desires fading
with a hand reaching out for yours
he shall drown
and the mind shall not worry nor mind
for this body, this soul
felt alive for a moment,for a reason
and the ocean whispers - "I am drowning these wounds for now
for
one day, they shall learn to swim"

eyes, these eyes of yours
I lose sight of
and so does the ocean
of the rains.

A History of Charm

2006-01-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

charm : The power or quality of pleasing or delighting; attractiveness: a breezy tropical setting of great charm.

I walked down the streets of my home town; baffled; confused; and disoriented. The same streets I had walked years and years ago was speaking the same language; yet I couldn't comprehend it completely. The buzz around the city took me some time to seep in. When it finally did; I was no longer baffled but amazed; no longer confused but awakened; no longer disoriented as direction didn't carry any meaning or value. I was able to set my own pace. The feeling to be able to get up at your own sweet time and not having to worry about things to do or complete. In fact I had nothing to do. That was a special feeling I had craved for. What a perfect way to end 2005. A year of chaos;ups and downs and infused urges and desires. And I did it all by paying tribute to my hometown - the charming Bangalore.
People talk about Bombay, Calcutta and Delhi as the unique places of India. I haven't been to Bombay or Delhi myself. And the very reason being, I tend to feel content in Bangalore. That inertia of satisfaction. Let alone the fantastic weather and food and miserably horrible traffic on clumsy narrow roads; a small town where people go about their lives quietly with no hype or expectations. But then again I fear for Bangalore. With every tom dick and harry from the country walking the streets; starting a new lease of life; he is in the brink of losing the innocence he was born with. My fears were answered when the first ever terrorist attack happened at one of the top institutes. It was a weird day for Bangalore; oblivion to such acts of terror. Bangaloreans spend their day over a nice cup of coffee in pleasant weather or indulge in their gastronomic desires with some of the best food available; not having to worry about terrorists sharing the same coffee place.It was a rude wake up call for Bangalore.
Personally Bangalore has been a special to me; a place where my desires were born and nurtured; a place where I fell in Love the first time; a place where my cricketing idol Rahul Dravid hails from! Life has always sprung a surprise or two and my innocence always being targeted. Trying not to sound narcisstic; I have known for my charm; my least expectations from others; my seemingly energetic laziness. And I owe a lot of this to my home town - the charming Bangalore.
Maybe another ice age can only save Bangalore from being swallowed by this sudden migration of inhabitants and their sorrows and lifestyles and worries and acts of terror.I am glad and proud to be a part of history. A history of charm.

Guilty

2005-12-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

this day is guilty of stealing last night's promise
you are guilty of staying in my heart
flowing down abruptly like tears
I am guilty of wiping those tears off
every night with that promise
this verse is guilty of trying to
capture a moment
the moment is guilty of lasting forever
this world is guilty of hosting such foolish hearts

the heart is not guilty.

not guilty yet....

Fever

2005-12-11T04:58:00.000-08:00

Lying on the beach with random thoughts
the booze had taken over me again, my thoughts
my desires had taken a back seat
the pompous crowd, music turned into background noise
I kept checking my belongings
even though I was in no state to check on myself
and then came the rain
drizzling down like holy waters
breathing life into me
my blood started flowing with a purpose
my heart gathered momentum
and I was back on my feet
a puff of smoke from a passer by
my savior,the rain thundering down
soaking me, mocking me
only me as people evacuated for shelter

I wandered in all possible directions
bumped into many strangers and not so strangers

and there he was
standing with a girl

waiting for me

It felt so real.
It felt all planned.

like fever.

One.Night.Stand

2005-12-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

the cold showers piercing my skin
guarding the flow of my blood
my heart pumping like an old machine
rusty and turbulent
the night so hazy so foggy like my mind

the streets across call for me
to join the fun; to drink;and speak so seemingly harmlessly
and I stand waiting like an assassin
my eyes cold and red
my hands moving in my pockets
searching for wood maybe
and the passing breeze decides to play with my locks
that unfold and cover my
dry vast forehead
and I stand waiting like a prey
for the final act to succumb and surrender
to the buoyancy of lust
and she comes running down
from no where with a nervous smile
whispers into my ear
a thought and we kiss so effortlessly so shamelessly
lasting a minute feeling a lifetime
the juice was worth the squeeze
the wait was worth the time

and I leave back home
to rest and sleep

but that night
I decided to
that one night,
stand.

Seoul searching......

2005-11-20T05:44:00.000-08:00

awake on my airplane
awake on my airplane
my skin is bare
my skin is theirs
I feel like a newborn
I feel so real

A great song called filter - every line of it was on my lips as I took the plane Sat evening from Seoul. The cold air teasing my skin,asking my whereabouts all these years. I walked the streets of Seoul with a handful layers of clothing unkowing that unknowingly my skin was being awakened, my skin was getting new. Thats when I realized what I have missed all these years. I am a boy of seasons, much like every season I want to change, my heart wants to blossom, my desires want to burn, tears want to be shed and my cold mind wants to numb. I do not know what it was - my brown shades, my brown hair, my brown skin or my brown leather jacket. I just felt complete.Maybe its just in fatuation, maybe I am just reading too much into this feeling. But those seven days felt different. And I realized that the barriers were not that of language or culture but the barriers within me.As its said - it is not enough to conquer, one must learn to seduce. And I was seduced for seven days and nights.Much like in the movie 'Lost in translation' I was in a new world. The only difference being I wasn't lost,

I was found.

Lolly

With eyes wide open...

2005-11-05T20:22:00.000-08:00

Dreams...... I always remember my dreams... I spend a good half of a Sunday remembering my dreams... dreams I had over the week, dreams I had on my way to a hangover.

To me dreams, are ways of releasing your energy while your body is resting.. In the state of wake, we tend to confuse the needs of our body to that of the mind... The body asks for a nice workout, the mind asks for a random spark... the result - you end up in a not-so-random club with some not-so-random people dancing to not-so-random music drinking away to not-so-random glory.

I will never forget my childhood dreams... I dreamed of a girl ( I know I sound cinematic as ever- Bollywoodish to be precise).. but yes I did... and I have dreamed of her just twice...
and the dream was so crisp, was so fresh... I spent the whole first dream with her, riding on her bike, to a nearby park, to a nearby icecream parlor... Coincidentally I lived some of these moments in my life when I was in love for the first time... but something tells me she wasn't the girl of my dreams... not because things didn't work out b/w us... but because I dreamed of her again after our break-up... this time it was different... the lakeside... the autumn leaves changing their colors... the sunset...the cool breeze... the white wine crystallizing her giggling , and her smile...
and I woke up not knowing which day it was, and for a moment where I was... just that I was stiff from previous evening's game of tennis.

I have this strange feeling in me.... I might forget how to woo a girl I love; I might forget how to Love;I might forget how to weep like a boy heart-broken;I might forget how to sleep to forget it all;But I might never forget to dream; just to get one more glimpse of her;
one more dream of her.
And it wouldn't matter if I remembered the dream.

wake up and Moisturize

2005-10-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

I think this picture reflects this whole year perfectly....... the year of promises, the year of desires, the year of rejuvenating, the year of falling in love again, the year of baking the cake and getting so close to eating it all... only to find it smudged all over my face.
I always have been haunted with the 'nice guy' image. I use the word 'haunted' because amidst all of my playfulness, pranks, and narcissism, I always end up giving away more than taking.
I live by the moment with a wide range of impulse... but this year had its share of promising moments, maybe I was being over-judicious with my self, with my moves, with my desires
I was trying to play the game and it ended up mostly the other way around. But as cinematic I made sound.... you can keep Lolly out of the game but u can never keep the game out of him

and Yes I shall play it again... this time I'll play it hard, hard to beat, hard to get and hard to hurt

And maybe I will shed this nice image totally, maybe I wont. But one thing's for sure - I am a soldier and its never over till the last bullet has been swallowed.

so next year as I try to hold my liquor, or my tennis games , I shant hold those horses
anymore.

as its time to wake up and moisturize.

Pre-lude

2005-10-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

When the shoulders droop;
the heart melts;
the skin dries;
the eyes tear;
the mood swings;
the lungs swell;
the hair coils;
the lips crack;
and the mind strays

its time to rewind,re-bind and re-invent

this time its just going to be me
and time.